Should I Stay or Should I Go?

25 Nov

I can see why some spouses leave their stroke survivors. They can’t live with the idea that the person they married has been replaced by a disabled person who needs full-time care. I felt staying was my only option; if I left, Chuck would have to be institutionalized, which I couldn’t bear. In short, I stayed not because of the great love I felt for Chuck, but because of my feelings of empathy and compassion.

I did love, and do love, Chuck. However, since I became his caretaker, the nature of that love is different. I can live with the changes that have occurred in our relationship since Chuck suffered a stroke and became disabled. I’m sure some people cannot, although I don’t know of any studies that indicate a higher rate of separation in the aftermath of stroke. It’s hard to have to redefine a marriage and to let go of certain hopes for the future.

Funnily, before Chuck’s stroke I used to be very judgmental of people who left spouses who got sick or disabled. I thought, “I would never do that.” Even though I was right, being put in that position made me more understanding of people who choose to leave. Ultimately, they have to live with themselves over their decision, and I can imagine how painful it would be.

I “decided” to stay, although it was not a moment in time. It was more of a realization that grew as I started to accept the fact that Chuck always would be without the ability to speak, read or write. As he is trapped by his disability, so am I, although in a different way and voluntarily. I sometimes try to imagine being free, what I would do with my life, where I would go. My longing for freedom sometimes is so intense that it’s painful. But I know that the pain I would cause Chuck, and the guilt I would feel, outweighs my desire to be free. So I stay.

I admit these very personal feelings because I suspect other people have them as well, and I want to say, “It’s normal.” I also want them to know that while the caretaking life has meaning in itself, it’s doesn’t have to define them. In my next post, I’ll relate how I was able to find fulfillment while still being the caretaker for my stroke survivor.

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One Response to “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”

  1. JoAn Cutler November 30, 2013 at 3:02 pm #

    Laura, This is so heart-touching . . . bless you as you, once again, reach deep into the recesses of your painful memories to share experiences for the purpose of helping others — so like compassionate you. I wish you well and will be in touch, dear friend.

    Like

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