Tag Archives: disabled spouse

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

25 Nov

When a spouse suffers a stroke, that person is changed, sometimes drastically and often forever. Some people can’t handle losing their loved one in this way; in fact, the rate of divorce increases more than 13% when a spouse is disabled.

I can see why some spouses leave their stroke survivors. Full-time caretaking is grinding, grueling work. I have stayed (12 years at the time of this writing) because I felt it was my only option. While I have been stressed and miserable much of the time during the post-stroke years, I know I wouldn’t be any happier if I had Chuck institutionalized. Also, I would have wanted him to stay with me, had the situation been reversed.

However, I did have to change my expectations in order to make the mental adjustment. Our relationship has changed, and I had to accept that. I had to redefine our marriage and to let go of my vision of future we were supposed to have. Not everyone can do so.

Before Chuck’s stroke, I used to be very judgmental of people who left spouses who got sick or disabled. I thought, “I would never do that.” Even though I was right, being put in that position made me more understanding of people who choose to leave. Ultimately, they have to live with themselves over their decision, and I can imagine how painful it would be.

When I “decided” to stay, it was not a moment in time. It was a realization that grew as I started to accept the fact that Chuck always would be without the ability to speak, read or write. As he is constrained by his disability, so am I; although in a different way, and voluntarily. I sometimes try to imagine being free, what I would do with my life, where I would go. My longing for freedom sometimes is intense and painful. But the pain I would cause Chuck outweighs my desire to be free.

I admit these very personal feelings because I suspect other people have them as well, and I want to assure them, “It’s normal.” In addition, I want to assert that full-time caretaking doesn’t have to define the caretaker. In my next post, I’ll relate how I was able to find fulfillment while still being the caretaker for my stroke survivor.

Best, Laura Ann Garren

Chuck and Laura

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